Preliminary report on the classification of the planet known as Earth. Draft document. Not for public release.
The planet called Earth is home to an incredibly complex ecosystem. The planet’s primary residents, humans, expend immeasurable resources navigating, controlling, destroying, and repairing their biosphere daily.
As they gained control of the planet, they out-competed and killed off most of the apex predators, as is to be expected. Instead of accepting their new position in the food chain, however, humans have pulled back from the natural order and let things fall apart. They often artificially lower their status on the food chain or refuse to partake at all. Previous reports of this behavior have caused confusion and spawned radical theories within our scientific and academic communities.
At this point I find it necessary to restate that it would be a very, very bad idea to perform any kind of controlled experiment with humans. They might consent to it if given proper compensation, but I know that defeats the purpose of these sorts of undertakings. And while there are species among us who deem mortal sacrifice for the good of science to be ethical and justified, humans do not. They have performed such experiments on each other in the past, and they have been outlawed for more than a hundred and fifty earth years.
The very fact I pushed about this topic got me frozen out of an entire University’s history department.
Maybe the busy-body cowards who pour over these reports and critique them would like to come to an unclassified planet and tangle with venomous invertebrates in their bathrooms. If I get one more letter from the academics lounging on paradise worlds telling me that my lack of progress is unacceptable, I am going to box up an earth-born viper and ship it to them so they can study it up close.
I am happy to say that I now believe I have the explanation for this behavior, no experiments required. The explanation itself, however, is far from good news.
There are simply too many things on this planet that can kill or injure humans for them to risk hunting wild animals. We all evolved from necessity, and there are natural dangers on every planet, but Earth takes it to an extreme.
Additionally, I believe I know why humans lost most of their fur during their evolution. Many of the creatures that pose a threat to them are parasites and insects that live outdoors. By losing their fur, humans stopped them from living on their bodies.
Also, they have an instinctive and violent reaction to being lightly brushed, as by an invertebrate or small animal.
All of the signs point to a species that evolved to escape not just large threats, but small ones as well. And these small animals, insects, and parasites, are much more difficult to deal with than large predators. For one thing, they are impossible to drive to extinction. For another, they are much harder to avoid. I have been spared the majority of them so far because of the constant vigilance of my human companions.
I do not yet have enough information to categorize the planet, but I have updated my predictions.
Next report to be delivered in six months time, if not sooner.
End Report.
Attached Correspondence:
Dear Librarian,
Forgive my troubling you with a draft report. The actual content of it isn’t relevant to this letter or my work. I simply needed an excuse to send this letter.
I am requesting you send another planetary surveyor to Earth as soon as possible. I need a second opinion on this planet. Please ask Skaalt if he is available. I am enclosing a letter for him too. It will explain what I want him to do.
I want to make a classification of Earth as soon as possible, especially as the Canteron have declared war on this world. If we do not want humanity to be snuffed out or stunted, we must act quickly. That is why I am requesting Skaalt’s help. I feel he can provide the clarity I desperately need on this planet.
You see, I am being followed. No, more than that, I am being hounded, another new word that English has taught me. It means “pursued relentlessly,” as a hunting dog chases down its prey. Can you imagine a civilization that has produced a word for being chased down by a persistence predator? And they use it to describe other humans all the time.
I am being hounded by two humans. They have followed me for hundreds of miles, thousands of miles. They followed me from their comfortable homes and lives, giving up things I didn’t think they would give up. And why did they do this? Because they were scared for me, and because they wanted to. Not scared of me, but scared for me. Scared for me because I don’t know their world, and they don’t trust it to leave me unscathed.
The two humans are Sandra, my assistant who I’ve written about previously, and Nick, an academic who I connected with in Brisbane.
It would be a lie to say that I am upset. I missed Sandra while she was back in her home, and I missed her insights into my work. She’s an excellent sounding board for ideas. I like her a lot, and I trust her. But I am afraid that she knows something that I don’t know about Earth or humans, and she can’t tell me. I doubt she knows what she is afraid of.
Nick hasn’t followed me as far as Sandra, but he is still following me, and I don’t think that he isn’t going to stop any time soon. He is following me for the same reasons.
I feel it’s right to tell you all these things, because you need to know the situation in all of its details. And you have to understand how bizarre this planet is. The longer I spend here, the more nervous I become. And the more nervous I become, the more confused I get.
I do not feel capable of classifying Earth at this time, but I do not wish to leave. I cannot leave. There are too many puzzles here to solve and too much to be learned. I have barely scratched the surface of this planet, and I feel I am on the verge of something spectacular, but I cannot see it just yet.
Please, send me Skaalt, and if he will not come, then send me another surveyor who has set foot on Deathworld before. Because the only thing I can think to do is compare Earth directly with a class one planet and see how it measures up.
I hope that it is not a Deathworld, because if it is, humans will be even more feared and revered than they already are. But if it is, then I am prepared to stay here and learn all I can. As long as I have a human to hound me, I believe I will be safe. And Sandra is not going anywhere except with me.
With great trepidation and hope,
Dron Acharya
My Dear Acharya,
You write with urgency and desperation. Be proud of yourself: you have frightened me. That is very hard to do.
I will contact Skaalt and ask him to reach out to you directly. Please keep your communicator switched on and tuned to his channel. He is currently on an assignment, but I think he could be persuaded to abandon his post to help you. I will give him leave to do so.
It will take a while for Skaalt to reach Earth. In the meantime, proceed as normal. Keep your assistant close at hand, and make more friends among humans. If they are pack predators, as you say, then being a member of the pack is the best way to stay safe.
Please tell Sandra I say hello, and that I’m glad she’s with you. Meeting alien minds is a great joy. Be kind to one another, and you might make a friend for life. I will remind you that you cannot bring someone off world as a favor. However, you may recommend them as academics, or even as incoming trainees for the surveyors. If they truly want to travel off-world, then they will have plenty of opportunities.
As for the contents of your report: I am very concerned about the state of Earth. We know that the planet faces many crises caused by humans, as you are well aware. Now I fear that all of this might be a symptom of a greater problem.
Please keep me informed. You need not write a report as an excuse to contact me. I am including access to a direct line with this letter. Keep me abreast of your investigations. I will also make sure you are informed.
The Canteron are beginning to mobilize. I worry that Skaalt will have a difficult time making it to Earth and away again if they are in the way, so I will impress on him the urgency of this ask. I will also forward your letter to him with the request.
Be well, Acharya, and remember that there is no shame in keeping yourself safe.
May your travels bring you great joy,
The Librarian
Enclosed letter to Skaalt, planetary surveyor
Dear Skaalt,
Hello, my friend. I hope your work is treating you well. I want to catch up and hear about all that you’ve done since last we spoke, but this is not a social letter.
I have never had to ask for help identifying a planet, a fact you can attribute to your own excellent teaching. I have taught the galaxy about nineteen planets alone, but the twentieth is proving too much for me. Not because it’s dangerous — though it is — or because the people here refuse to help — they are actually too helpful sometimes — but because of the contradictions between how they treat me, and how they treat their planet and themselves.
I don’t have the words to explain properly, but I am sure you’re reading my reports so you may already know. The heart of the matter is this: I think this world may be a class one planet, but between the hospitable population and the advanced technology here, I cannot tell for certain. Also, I don’t want Earth to be a Deathworld. It would make life for humans difficult, or even more difficult than it already is.
If you are able, I would like you to come here, to Earth, and help me make the classification. You are the only Deathworlder in the surveyor corps, so there is no one else to turn to for help. Your expertise is sorely needed here.
If you cannot visit in person, please call me on a video or audio connection. I think having a conversation with you would bring me clarity.
Thank you.
May the stars light your way home,
Acharya
Returned letter:
My Dearest Acharya,
My child, of course I will come to your aid. I trust you will make a safe place for me, so that I may touch this planet and not kill it. And I trust you will bring me humans to speak to.
I am far away from you. It will take many months to reach you even beyond light speed. I will be there as soon as I can.
And if the Canteron reach Earth before I do, they will let me pass. If they do not, I may demand to speak to their leader in-person. They do not dare share a planet with me, let alone a starship. It would mean death for all of them.
I will speak to you very soon.
Love,
Skaalt
